The Handjob Experience – A Short Story
Chapter 1- The Tingle (1pm)
I feel a tingle go down the back of my head.
And my balls.
It’s getting worse.
I know what my body is telling me.
I send messages to all the girls I know in Bangkok.
None of them reply.
They must see me for who I truly am now.
What to do?
The tingle is piercing my entire body.
The room is spinning, or my head, or both.
YouPorn isn’t going to do it.
I manage to pull it together and take a shave, shower and make myself look reasonably presentable.
I wait until night then headout.
Chapter 2 – the voyage (7:32 pm)
As I leave the confines of the apartment, the Bangkok heat smacks me in the face with dust and I start coughing.
Maybe this is its way of telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit.
After hailing a motorbike taxi to get dropped off at Sukhumvit 55 (Thong Lor), I act natural and walk.
My body language was telling the world don’t mind me, I’m just a normal expat walking to his apartment after a hard’s days work and meetings.
But there was no normal expat.
There was no hard day’s work.
And there was no meeting.
Just a guy looking to get his next fix.
The first massage shop had women wearing official buttoned up massage uniforms, quite old, unattractive and looked like they all would give amazing Thai massages.
photo of welcome massage shop
Maybe for another day.
40 meters on and there’s another massage shop.
The girls here looked like they wouldn’t know what a massage was if given one.
And they don’t look too bad.
My radar is telling me to enter.
It’s reliable in these situations.
I enter.
Chapter 3 – Rollercoaster (7:47pm)
I’m handed a laminated massage menu, and opt for 60-minutes of oil.
Small talk is maid with the masseuse for the evening, Noi, who comes from a lovely village in the North.
She guides me up the stairway into a room with dim lights and several private booths.
They are playing meditation music loud enough to drone out groans.
The stage is set.
Noi walks me to the booth.
She points to the towel on the bed and then my body, which I translated as “put on the towel you dumb prick”.
There’s barely enough room to turn around, never mind get changed.
Thoughts wonder through my head.
Should I put the towel on?
The towel goes on and the massage starts.
Five minutes and nothing.
We talk a little to build up a rapport.
15 minutes and nothing.
Massage is average, and she hasn’t fired a single warning shot to the special area.
Maybe I’ve come to the wrong massage shop?
I knew I should have kept walking.
30 minutes and nothing.
Not a single graze.
My life could not be worse.
I’ve not enjoyed a single minute of this massage, and my the tingle is back.
40 minutes and nothing.
45 minutes and nothing.
I try to reassure myself mentally this is no big deal.
Should I ask her?
No that is too perverted.
But then.
Something extraordinary happens.
48 minutes and SOMETHING!
Noi innocently grazes the young man, chuckles and asks if the boy would like to take part in proceedings.
There is a God.
She says 500b, both parties agree and the consent forms are signed.
Finally, it’s time to enjoy the massage.
The rollercoaster starts.
There were highs and lows.
I never knew if the next drop would be my last.
Before I knew it, the ride had finished and I had gotten off.
Mostly on my stomach, and her shirt.
I didn’t even have time to catch my breath before another I was forced to go on another rollercoaster.
This poor girl, she must be traumatized.
What have I done?
She excuses herself for a moment to clean her hands and throw up.
I want to get off this ride.
But it doesn’t stop.
All I want to do is run home and curl up in a ball.
Finally, she comes and tells me our time is up.
My life is up.
Before I leave the room I hand her a 500b service fee.
The shame of handing it to her in front of other customers in the lobby is something I cannot deal with right.
She leads me down the never-ending corridor and down the stairs the stairs.
Legs feel heavy.
Everyone is looking at me.
Korean girl getting a foot massage.
The receptionist at the desk.
The other massage girls.
They can smell it.
They can see it in my face.
They know what really happened, my face screams GUILTY AS CHARGED!
I’m handed a tea which I don’t acknowledge, put on my trainers and power walk out.
The Bangkok heat hits my face again.
Now I know for sure it’s reminding me I’m a piece of shit.
I look both ways to make sure nobody I know just saw me, and then I drift back into the shadows.
The Black and Indian Guide to Dating Thai Girls
Best Airbnb Rentals in Bangkok
LMFAO! excellent writing and everyone who has gone for the application of a chok wow to their gentleman sausage will relate this this story.
awesome write-up, kind of depressing and definetly hits home lol.
Great blog post. I couldn’t stop laughing. But the post must be sarcastic or satire. The way you describe your hand job experience as super sinister, almost as if you were trying to rob or kill someone LOL. If you felt this way over a simple handjob, imagine how those guys should feel when walking out of Nana Plaza, having just shagged and rimmed a ladyboy….Or the guy walking to his hotel room from Patpong 2 with two S&M bondage girls from BarBar for his first threesome. You would think those guys should feel like the biggest piece of shit worse than a serial killer Haha.
But in reality, most sexpats have little to no conscious about it and many even like to brag about it. Most Thai people seem to accept that many expats are yellow fever sex addicts and laugh about it. But at the same time, expats can’t wonder why that light skinned Hi-So girl from ChangMai won’t have anything to do with him no matter how much baht he has.
I guess many expats get stigmatized as LBFM sex addicts so most Hi-So Thai women and some upper middle class women won’t date them because they often feel it will lower their value in Thai society. Of course there are some exceptions.
Great post as always, can’t really disagree or challenge anything, you’re right.
Laughed out in real life 😀
Very precise description of the “time for a handjob” experience in Bangkok, effing lol. That “don’t mind me just a normal expat” walk to the shop huehuehue.
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.
Hey Harvie, love the website, it’s been super helpful planning my Bangkok “activities.” Anyway, I’m visiting BKK for the first time on they way back to the US from a work trip in SE Asia. So I’ve heard rumors that a lot of these massage parlors, and even some bj bars and go-go bars, refuse service to Indians and arabs, how prevalent is this? I’m born and raised in the US but of Indian descent (parents immigrated back in the 60s). Do you think I’ll have any troubles, especially if I can talk to them and they realize I’m not some douchey asshole? Would love your, or anyone else’s input. Thanks and hopefully I’ll be able to provide some reviews of my own on some of these places!
Hey RK, my next blog post will address this in detail. If you can’t wait till then, the short story is if you dress up smart and clean, you’ll be fine. Full answer will be in my next blog.
The one exception is trying to get into Bacarra – never seen anyone of Indian decent getting in
Yes they won’t let them in unless with a group of white people.
Thanks Harvie! Hopefully it’ll be up before I begin my “activities” in BKK!
“But at the same time, expats can’t wonder why that light skinned Hi-So girl from ChangMai won’t have anything to do with him no matter how much baht he has.”
I married a Chiang Mai girl fifteen years my senior. She’s whiter than me. She graduated from Mahidol University. She comes from a very rich family that owns tons of land and various businesses. They were against the marriage. I did not pay a sin sot. We left Thailand in 2012 and have not been back.
Mutual attraction and love aren’t related to ethnicity, money or background for anyone with a brain larger than a pea.
I still pay for handjobs though.
Nice story Chris. In the end, we all pay one way or another.
@Harvie – Yep, we all pay for it one way or the other. There is no such thing as “Free Pussy.” You’ll either pay for it with your money or your valuable time. For many of us time is more valuable than money.
Good comment Chris. You’re the exception not the rule. Glad to hear you were able to avoid paying the Sin Sot. But most expats end up with the darker skinned Thai girls. But then again, most expats like the tan dark girls better anyway. I’m one of the few who prefer light skinned Thai women. And like you pointed out, to be fair, all light skinned Thai women are not all stuck up spoiled Hi-So bitches. I have met several who were very nice, intelligent, and marriage material. If I wasn’t such a manwhore, I would have probably settled down with one already. Who knows maybe oneday I’ll marry one of those sexy K-pop looking Thai girls with bolt on tits. But will definitely have to fend off all those rich Thai guys who chase after them. Lol.
There will be so many of those k-pop thaigirls in the future, we can all get one. Plastic surgery is cheap and ill soon be as popular in Th as it is in Korea, and skin whitening chemicals is already the source whiteness in light skinned thaigirls.
Lisa Manoban of BLACKPINK, first thai to go all the way to the top in KPOP, shes already the role model of millions of young thai and filipina girls, thats how they want to be.
Which massage store was it? From your article (14 best..) is non of the stores near Thonglor.
I did not want to give the name not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to get them in trouble.
I really cant relate. I got a massage like that in hong kong and it was fun, for both of us i would say, the girl was sweet and fun all the time, with a most exited giggle when she wiped some stray cum from her face and went like “weeeeh its evlywel! Hihihi”. I love chinagirls but this one was great by every standard. I dont know how to say this without sounding gay but it is indeed a very cherished memory, one that does not fit into the setting of a 1930ies novel about some dark mood private investigator.
Fairly good writing though, not the most original twist but entertaining.
I wanted to give a shot at fiction, I enjoy writing. I think I missed some key points of info out, the character in the story is a jaded expat only he doesn’t know it, hence the ending.
Yes i had your artistic freedom as a writer in mind but there are some comments saying its accurate and they can relate.
That is because you’re more mentally balanced than my readers. I’m writing about this in my next blog on Sunday.
You should enjoy writing. You do it very well Harvie.. So good that people even take the time to comment.
Here is my two cents: Be authentic. More fun to read and better for your brand? Fictional characters generate less interest. Thats why the post about being black farang was so good. He is serious, he talks from his own experience.. cheers /A
Thanks Alex, the next post is very serious and from experiences.
I used to get back stage passes and 3-4 tickets in 2015-6 and take friends, then students, then girls I met online – hahaha and a hotel suite after they are heady from the thrill and wobbly from the drinking ahahaha
Great blog, thank you. Do you have a mailing list?